The Colonnade Bar — Restaurant in England

The Colonnade Bar

The facade of the Colonnade features, as the name suggests - columns. The columns themselves are a bit Pee Wee, landing somewhere between the Parthenon and the Spinal Tap mini-Stonehenge in stature. The outer wall is, of course, pea-soup green and has the bar’s name written in gold in that obligatory 1920s ‘Park Lane’ typeface that you get in Al Capone movies. In the window, there’s a little penguin-suited mannequin that’s tipping his top hat in that ‘make ‘em laugh’ way that makes you think of showbiz. The outside does a job, but it’s the inside where the meat's at - part gummy womb, part Noel Coward afterworld Replete with mothy drapes and grandma lamp tassels seldom seen outside the velvet crush of the theatre bar. The saloon has a deep and candent pallette like a pinky on a light bulb. Murder-ballad reds, thigh-bruise purples, and All those gliterati copper chromes that literally not one modern day product is made from anymore. Every Pantone is designed to aid the misremembrance of some feeling or ghost from 'before'... Each colour splash carefully evoking the simpler times of youth.... All shades helping to incentivise the unfettered consumption of hard, dear, theatre-grade Gin. The bar has three main types of patron: the ageing thespians, the ageing drunks and the ageing thespian-drunks. This third category is the one you want to come across, THESE are the Uncle Montys that you’rehoping for, THESE are the barely ambulatory barrel-roarers, The John McCriricked-up sherry-downers, The R-r- r-r- olling dipsomaniac ex-board-treaders that make a place like this what it is. They speak in a way that makes them seem both silly and clever at the same time, bobbing away on their stools, rouge and fat, like the big red sea-buoys floating not half a click away. I’m 25, 30, 35 sitting here, the signed ‘Griff Rhys Jones’ unmoved and un-aged by any of it, the smell of those tiny, sodden bar towels providing some sort of nasal amaro filter over the whole thing. It’s a soppy old place, needlessly but perfectly sentimental in a ‘You always had me, you always will’ kind of way… The inevitable lack of Wifi keeping it staunchly golden-agey. My type will always write and drink in here, chumping away at some verbose iPhone note or other, doted on today and winced at tomorrow... The dimly-lit nitwit, rapt and double-thumbing in one of the brassy corners. In one ear, my favourite mono Roy Orbison record plays in stereo on the shit system. In the other, the familiar chop-and-drop of some solo drinker, flipping, and failing to catch three cardboard coasters at a time. It’s some kind of stock-take, coming here, some kind of review... It’s half awkward office party tragedy, half last- minute-winner triumph. I’m pilgrimaging here once a year, for a fizzy pint and a sneaky tear. And, whether here or there, or there or here, there are always Starlings...

Update: it's been taken over by the Theatre Royal and now directly internally connected. They haven't ruined the decor & Harvey's is on tap, so all good on that front. Still a place to go, before and after a show.

Situated next door to the Theatre Royal and carefully retaining its Victorian character, this is a delightful old fashioned boozer, albeit with a twist.

Period theatre bills abound, along with signed photographs of many of the great TV stars of the 1970s and 80s, whilst the clientele usually includes a sprinkling of "theatricals" and local eccentrics, along with a regular crowd, theatre goers and tourists.

Popular with theatre goers before the show and during the interval, (for which you can pre-order drinks), it is also a go to after show venue for both some of the stars of local shows and the audiences.

It is also a place that many women have said that they can feel comfortable in alone, which makes for a nice cool atmosphere, even when it is heaving before and after a show.

The staff always know who is next to be served, even at busy times, so waving a note is considered bad form.

You can usually get a seat if you wait, whilst serendipitous and interesting acquaintances are to be had from sharing a table with strangers just by asking.

Highly...

We drink in here frequently, well did before lockdown. Went in today, staff really friendly, seated us and got an extra chair. We were then approached by another member of staff who asked us to scan the thing on the table. We took our cameras out on smart phone to scan, thinking it was to place an order, he looked agitated and sweating, the outside was full so guessing he was slightly stressed. His exact comment was ‘No, it’s the NHS App track and trace which has been available for the a while, I suggest you get it as the thing isn’t going away, and will be here for the next 6 months, if you don’t have it I can check you in on paper’ I said yes we all have that, we thought we were scanning to order, and there is no need to be sarcastic. Next thing we knew he said he wasn’t serving us and we should leave. The couple next to us asked us what the issue was, we told them and they said yes he was very rude to us too. Linden, the Manager, I suggest you review your career choice, obviously customer service not...