Mumms Cafe — Restaurant in Portsmouth

Let me take you on a journey. You wake up at 8 am, head all too aware of the Earth's inexorable spinning. You've been pulling shapes all night long. You won't be coy: they were tasty, possibly too tasty. But the lack of sleep has taken its toll. Your arms are starved of strength as the lugubrious air around you tries to seduce you back into bed. Maybe its work in an hour; maybe you've got to write that essay you've been staving off. Who knows what it is, but you've got to muster. Well, take yourself down to Mumms Diner (née Café) my boy.

You walk in and there it is, bang! A microcosm of all that is good, right there before your very eyes. As you pass the chairs that look not unlike prison seating, you are aware of the American diner-style decor. (It used to be pictures of Pompey legends but I suppose not even the most stalwart defenders of British excellence can resist the intractable allure from across the pond. Uncle Sam's calling Billy, he's calling.)

Not to be dismayed, you walk up to the bar and take a cursory look at the menu. This is all theatrics though, you know what you want. Whatever brekkie you get it'll have that hallowed mystique - that sultry soft, that ineffable, indescribable slice of Mumms. The Mumms flavour is what you're here for, not an individual meal. You pick the 'Lite Bite' for £3.10. As well as the sausage and bacon, it comes with a choice of either tomato or beans and fried bread or toast. You can add in a hot drink and a slice of brightly buttered bread for free. Naughty.

The person who takes your order is the brother of your old school friend. Mumms employs locals; it just keeps on giving. Normally you might just nod or even ignore him, but this time you drop him a cheeky smile. He smiles back. He gets it. He's a Mumms boy. As you wait, you take in your fellow diners. There's a couple in the window who seem more interested in gently brushing each other's hands as they gaze dreamily into eyes in tune with their own than in eating their food. There's a couple skaters noshing down on some delectable delights. Dave the Rave (if he was an animal he'd be a wild boar), Portsmouth's hidden treasure, drinks a coffee and reads his paper, his cane leaning against the table. A kid eats his Dad's hash brown while he goes out for a smoke. All people, all walks of life. Mumms has it all. Then your food comes and you're gone. Heaven. O delight! O, ecstacy! This is living....

Two visits a week apart and there won't be a third. First off, no table service. You have to go up to the counter and order your food and pay upfront too. The menu doesn't look too bad in theory but it's not quite what it says on the tin. On the first visit, my eating companion was half way through her omelette. It was I who spotted the long black hair underneath her food. Fair enough that when taking it up to the counter, they replaced the meal but no words of apology. Second visit and my eating companion ordered a ham salad baguette. She emphasised that she did not want butter on the bread three times and when they eventually brought that dish to the table they had actually ommited the butter AND the baguette and brought the salad loose in a bowl. I ordered a veggie breakfast with fried bread. The veggie breakfast was hot and reasonable but they hadn't included the fried bread. When we got the attention of the staff member I was already halfway through my meal. It took another reminder and 20 minutes before they served it. When you consider how many places to eat there are in the vicinity, they really need to up their game a bit and make people feel welcome from the outset and acknowledge customers upon leaving. It's not...

I was told to come back to a Southsea shop in an hour and a half and the item would be ready for me. So where to go?

Mumms, home of proper food well cooked and delivered in comfortable welcoming environment. The food was great and the fried slice was probably not what my GP would have recommended for me, but you have to treat yourself sometimes don’t you ?

I have added below that parking (for out of towners like me) is a bit difficult. Over the years the Council have slotted residents parking in almost everywhere. Certainly great for the residents but not so good when you’re desperate for a parking space. I found one and made it there and back within the hour that I was allowed and it turned out to be the perfect duration for my lunch.

If you’re visiting the beach it’s a simple walk north and you can find it so there’s no excuse not to...