Le Progrès — Restaurant in Paris

Le Progrès – a bistro that's clearly progressed beyond conventional notions of service timing and possibly beyond actually cooking food on the premises. Located in tourist-magnet Montmartre, it operates with the confident mediocrity of an establishment that knows you'll probably never return anyway.

My Aperol Spritz arrived with the theatrical timing of a surprise party nobody wanted – alongside my baked camembert and Chardonnay, creating a delightful traffic jam of competing flavors on my table. Apparently the concept of an apéritif as a pre-meal drink requires explanation here. After my impromptu masterclass on "The Art of Sequential Service," the server began asking when I'd like each subsequent course, like a nervous student who'd finally grasped that timing might actually matter.

The sea bream tartare achieved the lofty heights of edible – faint praise, but praise nonetheless. Thankfully, the Sancerre managed to coax some actual flavor from what appeared to be fish that had given up on life. The wine was clearly doing the heavy lifting in this culinary partnership.

Crème brûlée and coffee for dessert completed the €85 damage to my wallet – a price point that screams "tourist trap" with all the subtlety of a neon sign. Throughout the meal, I found myself playing a mental game of "homemade or Picard?" The frozen food emporium conveniently located down the road seemed like a suspiciously logical explanation for several courses.

Le Progrès: where progress apparently means charging premium prices for potentially pre-packaged experiences. My own fault for dining in Montmartre without proper research.

Three stars – one for location, one for drinkable wine, one for the educational value of learning...

Lovely interior with a great corner street view but incredibly rude service and overpriced drinks. I came in for a coffee and some water and after waiting for about ten minutes I got the attention of an absolutely miserable waiter who grunted more than spoke. I ordered a cafe creme (about 4 euros) and a litre of water (8 euros). Received my water and a foamy, weak latte, again with a grunt. Bear in mind that the place was only about 25% occupied.

Went up to the waiter to ask to pay and he just slapped the bill in front of me on the counter and carried on looking at the till. I then payed by card and didn't even get a thank you. When I walked out after gathering my things I walked past him and tried to say thank you but he was just chatting to a friend of his who had come off the street.

Please don't view this as a review from a tourist who isn't used to the standard less outwardly excitable attitude of many waiters on mainland Europe and instead as an objective account of someone who was...

Came to Le Progres for a nightcap for our first night in Paris. I found myself at a table by the window in here, lost in this beautiful girl's big grey eyes across the table from me, locked in a profound conversation.

I was so locked in, in fact, that when the French waitress came over and asked what we wanted, I was beyond unprepared. I had just drank gallons of red wine in Croatia, and needed a day off from my beloved vino. There was a slight language barrier, so I didn't want to ask too much as I don't speak French and feel so disrespectful trying to have a long conversation in English in a foreign country.

I asked if they had any tequila on the rocks, and she said "margarita?"

"That sounds great," I responded. The last thing I wanted was a margarita, but sometimes you gotta put it on the game card.

There I sat, drinking a sugary margarita on our first night in France, talking the night away. Everything was as it should be. I felt like Hemingway.

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