Iolanda — Restaurant in Paris

Lolanda is not just a scam restaurant — it’s a health violation, a tourist ambush, and a human decency failure. The fact that this place is still open is honestly unbelievable.

From the moment we sat down, we were bounced around between FOURTEEN different servers, all completely incapable of understanding we just wanted tap water. They kept trying to push bottled drinks, and when we repeatedly declined, they brought us bottled water anyway and charged us for it.

We ordered two pastas that were $15 each, and our total came out to $42 because they added a random “gratuity”. And it wasn’t even consistent — we saw different tables getting charged different percentages despite being similar in size. It’s clearly an opportunistic scam aimed at tourists.

The menu was a confusing mess, the servers were useless at explaining anything, and they constantly rushed us to order. When the food finally came out, it was awful. Genuinely the worst thing I’ve ever tasted — the pasta was soggy and flavorless, like they boiled a gym sock and called it a dish.

But none of that even compares to what happened to a poor young guy sitting a few tables away.

He looked to be in his early 20s and was filming a TikTok food review — super casual, just recording his experience. He had ordered a pizza and a pot of hot tea. Well, the tea becomes important here, because one of the many clownish servers decided he wanted to be funny and make a cameo in the kid’s video. He jumps in uninvited, saying random stuff in French that the kid obviously didn’t understand, and tries to cut the pizza on camera, totally overstepping and trying to steal the spotlight.

Then disaster struck — the server knocked over the piping hot pot of tea and it spilled directly onto the kid, burning his hand and arm. The poor guy ended up with a THIRD-DEGREE BURN. His phone fell, the video stopped, and everyone froze — except the servers, who turned into some kind of chaotic parade of incompetence.

Instead of calling medical help, they started SPRAYING his wound with disinfectant, then began hovering around him, pointing out blood-soaked napkins that had fallen to the floor, and insisting he throw them away. They spoke to him condescendingly, like he was inconveniencing them after THEY burned HIM. He kept saying, “Okay, give me a second,” and “Just wait,” but they wouldn’t stop. They were standing over his burned hand, repeatedly pressuring him until he got up and threw away his own bloody napkins.

He was clearly in pain, trying to collect himself, going back and forth to the bathroom. And what were the servers doing? Running around the restaurant whispering and making sure he had paid. Not once did they consider covering the bill — even though they had literally injured a customer with boiling liquid. Every time he passed by, a server would spray his hand again, unprompted. It was disturbing and invasive. Just let the kid breathe — he’s in pain, clearly overwhelmed, and instead of comforting or helping him, they hovered like vultures.

I’m making another...

I urge you not to eat here, this was possibly one of the worst places I have ever eaten in, not just because of the food but the overpriced menu, rude/abusive staff, dirty surroundings, just awful. Because it is located so near the Eiffel Tower they overcharge on everything. We asked the waiter (he seemed like the manager actually as he was wearing something different to the other staff) for a kids menu, no kids menu, so my wife chose to share a pizza with our Son for 13.50 euro, ok not bad for a pizza in Paris, I ordered Carbonara 13 euro again not bad on price, we ordered two 5 euro diet cokes, a 5 euro still water and the waiter took our menus. Then in a very forceful French accent "you want garlic bread, one, two, three, four how many" and stupidly instead of saying how much (as he cleverly had our menus at this point) said OK we'll take two small garlic breads. "Ok, ok, you want large coke, medium coke for Son, you want to order dessert too" ok this is starting to get irritating, "look just give us the cokes". Garlic bread came, was bland, pizza came, was ok, 20 minutes later no carbonara, I asked for it and the waiter had a bill in his hand, hold on I've not had my main course, we waited another 20 minutes for a tasteless carbonara, but we said nothing just got on with it. We then got a bill for 67.50 euros, how is that possible for this very poor quality food? The large coke he brought me was full of ice (I mean this was probably a small can of coke in a huge glass filled with ice) this was 16 euros and the medium coke came the same full of ice (with probably less than a can of coke in) and that was 8 euros. Two slices of garlic bread 17 euros, what now. I called him over and said what is this bill? I felt very duped, he the started shouting in the restaurant and being abusive to my wife saying he was going to call the police, to which I said "ok lets get the police here". he went off, came back five minutes later and said he'd spoken to the police but they could be here in 5 minutes, 1 hour to two hours, more, I said "I'll wait". He then said "ok here's what we'll do. I will pay out of my own pocket for half of your large coke and you pay the rest" anyway long story short, we paid the bill and walked out. I think the worse thing about it was the abuse, with everyone else looking on in wonder, nodding like good on you this is an...

Now Serving: Mystery Flavour and Missed Drinks

Well, where do I even begin?

My wife and I were seated remarkably fast — impressive, I thought. Little did I know that this would be the absolute highlight of the entire visit. Barely thirty seconds in, our waiter was hovering, asking what we wanted. Now, forgive us for wanting to breathe before making a decision, but we asked for a bit more time. Revolutionary, I know.

Eventually, we placed what I would call a very straightforward order: two drinks and one bowl of ice cream with three scoops. Simple, right? Apparently not.

The first drink was simply not the right one so I had to ask for the correct one, no big deal. The other drink we ordered immediately disappeared into the abyss, never to be seen again. When we asked about it, we were met with the oh-so-reassuring, “It’s on the way.” Sure, Jan.

Then came the ice cream. Except, surprise! One of the flavours was wrong. We pointed it out, and the waiter took the bowl back without much fuss. A few moments later, he returned with what was clearly the same sad, already-melting scoops — now accompanied by a new, correct flavour awkwardly slapped on top. Magical.

Meanwhile, the MIA drink? Still missing.

Fast forward to the bill — lo and behold, the ghost drink has made a reappearance. I asked them to remove it, naturally, and our lovely server responds with: “Oh, you didn’t get it?” No shit, Sherlock.

And let’s not forget the pièce de résistance: a 33cl can of Coca Cola Zero, proudly priced at six euros. I’m sorry, was that Coke aged in oak barrels and blessed by monks?

Honestly, the entire experience was like being trapped in a customer service parody sketch — only less funny and more infuriating. The staff were curt, rude, and gave the distinct impression that serving customers was a mild inconvenience they’d rather not endure.

Would I return? Only if I lost a bet. Utterly disappointing. ”Jösses” as we...