Javá — Restaurant in Lisbon

Next time someone recommends this restaurant to you, block their number because they ain’t your friend. I hardly know where to start with this one. Oh no wait, I do- at the “amazing view”. The outside seating is limited in such a manner that it has all the appeal of sitting in your uncle’s tiny suburban garden, complete with garden chairs that have just made it out of camping chair territory by the only grace that they don’t have a cup holder. A cup holder would’ve been nice for your own drinks though- especially once you see what they charge for a single sad bottle of water. Is it perchance filled with the waiter’s tears? Who knows. Not our waiter’s anyway, because she carried all the fake emotion of someone waiting on a tip and I didn’t peg her as the award-winning crier of the season.

Anyhow, muffled into a corner of this garden patio deck you get all the nice luxury of being in the cold wind while simultaneously being next to the only cramped walkway. They do provide thin blankets, though the waiters weren’t so attentive as to get more than one for us.

Moving on to the ordering part. Apparently this place has some sort of shared dining concept. It is completely unclear what the portion sizes are and what is considered a main course. Our waitress told us unprompted that the 4 options on the third row of the menu were “quite big”. And while I’m not one to shame people I don’t know, I can only tell you her boyfriend must be a very lucky guy.

We explicitly told the waitress what food would be shared by which people, but she decided on her own, as made clear in short statement later on, that she would have it brought out in two rounds as deemed fit. So now three people at our table had food (vegetarian) and the rest of us (3) had to wait until long after they had finished and the plates were carried off again.

In light of this hunger that had started gnawing at our stomachs quite profusely, you must understand a bit of what we felt when the “main course, quite big” meals arrived looking like some cilantro with a side of chicken. I am not kidding when I say I’ve seen pinky toes carry more meat than this little skewer with a whopping THREE chicken blocks. Next time I’ll throw my money on a plate and cut that up with some basil because it would feel like less of a waste of my earnings. As for the taste; the chicken looked nice on the outside and on the inside was drier than a snail with a salt addiction.

My friend got the octopus and complete rubbish rubber texture aside, she was given one leg. ONE LEG. Do these people even know how many legs an octopus has. How do you even manage to take a whole octopus and then charge 25€ for a single leg.

Upon a bathroom visit after dinner there was a lovely cockroach in the ladies room that had more meat to it than the five ‘share plates’ my friends had altogether. So I guess if you watch too many survival shows, you might wanna opt for the option of eating out in the toilets here. It’ll certainly fill you up more.

The only positive thing I will say about this restaurant is that the passion it gave me to write this review truly kept me warm and motivated all the way to the Macdonalds I walked to afterwards.

P.s. if you’re shy, don’t tip after dinner because no one will look at you nor say goodbye back. Best thing about this place is the way...

We booked a table weeks ago to celebrate my birthday. When booking, I wrote in the comments that we’d like the best table possible and even crossed „special occasion“ in the reservation form. When we arrived, it was raining, and so we stepped under the little roof where the host was checking people in. The security guy told us quite rudely to step back and so we had to essentially wait in the rain. When we finally could access reached the second check in point upstairs, there was a queue and the host wasn’t there. The reservation was at 20 and we waited until 20:15 (mind you, the dining slot is 2 hours and the 15 min waiting count into that). When she arrived, she led us to our table and we discovered it‘s a tiny table close to the bathroom and in front of the door - it is quite cold atm, so we were freezing. The tables for couples are tiny and all squeezed together. Our waiter told us he would „take care of us for the night“, yet he was quite unprofessional and very pushy. He commented „oh ok“ sarcastically when we told him our food choice, as it was not what he suggested. When we arrived at the dessert portion of the night, he kept on pushing that we take what he is suggesting, even though I specifically said I want something else and he even came to check on what we had ordered and was quite sarcastic about it. After finishing dessert, he quickly changed his mood and came to tell us that we are quite tight on time and ask us if we want the bill as other people are waiting for the table already. We had just ordered two more cocktails and so my partner said he would like to cancel the order, at this point. Suddenly all the rush was gone and they insisted on us having the drinks. There were several other tables for two free. Upon paying, the waiter that attended our table stopped interacting entirely. We didn’t have time to finish our wine bottle and downed our cocktails quickly and in a bad mood. You can find better places in Lisbon, where you pay less than 100+ per person and are treated professionally. We won’t...

A friend suggested this place for drinks…. Everything was good, we ordered drinks and food which were okay at max…. I went downstairs didn’t realise it was closing time, went back to the elevator to go get my husband downstairs so we could leave, was told I can’t go up again as the elevators don’t go up again at night, the very next second another girl from their staff got on and went up… didn’t say anything and waited downstairs for 10 mins for my husband to come… STAFF ARE RUTHLESS THEY DONT CARE IF YOU ARE A GIRL/ LADY WHO IS SLIGHTLY INTOXICATED, my husband came down we booked a cab and got in…., realised we forgot our bag at the restaurant, I went back up, GOT ON THE ELEVATOR WHEN I REACHED THE RESTAURANT, a bouncer looked at me weirdly( like I was there to rob the bloody place) , BEFORE I EVEN PUT A FOOT OUT THE DOOR I SAID I’M SORRY I’VE FORGOTTEN MY BAG, HE MADE THE UGLIEST FACE ON PLANET EARTH, almost as if I had just said I want to Screw your mother NOW……… I didn’t say anything and went to the table we were seated, another member of the staff met me I politely said I’m sorry I’ve forgotten my bag, he showed me a few photos, I confirmed my bag and he led me to a door after he went in I held the door and the same bouncer/ god awful staff appeared and said I can’t go there extremely rudely, I stopped and said I’m sorry but the other person didn’t say anything hence i followed, sometime later they gave me my bag and I headed straight to the elevator to head out, when another member of the staff came at me rudely (female) when I tried to go down, she held the elevator doors and the make bouncer and the female staff were speaking in Portuguese knowing well I as a tourist only speak English, and abused me….. ABSOLUTELY DREADFULLY EXPERIENCE. I’ve traveled across Europe and have never faced such treatment.

HORRID STAFF, they do not belong in the service industry, they do not know how to treat people, they LACK BASIC...