Wahlburgers — Restaurant in Cleveland

We walked in at 7 PM to discover what appeared to be a restaurant that looked like it was just about to close. There were a handful of teenage patrons huddled in a corner, surrounded by crumb-decorated tables with accompanying soda stains. Some of the staff were locked in conversations with each other, while the rest aimlessly wandered around the place, wiping down surfaces with the mechanical precision of people counting down the minutes until they could go home.

Our server, Robert, a kind man of about 45 with glasses and dreads peeking out from under a bandanna, approached our table with a warmth that felt entirely disconnected from his surroundings.

My wife, ever the optimist, ordered "The Our Burger." I, drawn to chaos like a moth to a bug zapper, heard myself say, "I'll have the O.F.D.," pronouncing each letter individually, as if identifying the primary suspects in a police lineup of my own bad decisions.

Thankfully, the food arrived quickly and looked amazing. I smiled, unaware of what was about to happen.

I took my first bite and experienced what can only be described as culinary gaslighting. My mouth insisted that I was chewing something, but my taste buds filed a missing persons report for any discernible flavor. Just then, the burger looked at me, with its perfectly melted cheese and glistening patties, and whispered, "What flavor? You're being hysterical."

The two "certified Angus beef" patties seemed to have been certified by an agency specializing in the complete eradication of taste. They weren't just bland or boring. They genuinely felt like they’d been scrubbed at a molecular level, leaving behind only the idea of beef.

As for the bacon, it was a masterpiece of culinary nihilism. It possessed the limp, apologetic texture of something that had been boiled, then waved briefly in the general direction of a skillet. It had the color of bacon, the shape of bacon, but the soul of a damp washcloth. And the mushrooms. My god, the mushrooms. They weren't sautéed so much as they were waterboarded in lukewarm tap water, leaving them with the profound, listless sadness of a middle-aged man looking at his high school yearbook. They didn't taste of anything, but they tasted like giving up.

The Swiss cheese tasted like what I imagined would happen if you asked A.I. to describe Swiss cheese based solely on its Wikipedia entry.

The tomato jam added a vaguely tangy moisture that served no purpose other than to make the burger slightly more wet than it would be otherwise. It was like the equivalent of a participation trophy.

Amidst this wasteland of taste, however, a small miracle occurred. My fries, and my wife's tater tots, were actually good. Not transcendentally, life-alteringly good, but they were crispy, salty, and tasted unapologetically of fried potato. When viewed in context of the black hole of sensory information that was my burger, each humble tot was a supernova of flavor. They were the control group in a failed scientific experiment, proving that taste was, in fact, a real concept that this kitchen was capable of producing. They didn't save the meal, but they served as its conscience, whispering, "It didn't have to be this way."

As I took another bite of my burger, I began to wonder if this was some sort of elaborate performance art piece about the emptiness of celebrity culture. Maybe the O.F.D. burger was meant to be a metaphor. All flash and marketing, but ultimately hollow at its core. Mark Wahlberg’s face smiled at me from a framed photo on the wall, and I wondered if he’d ever actually eaten this burger, or if the lawyers made him sign a waiver first.

Anyway, the O.F.D. burger from this Wahlburgers will now exist in a special category of disappointment reserved for things that had every opportunity to be decent but chose violence instead. It wasn’t aggressively bad in the way that makes for a good story; it was just… nothing.

O.F.D. indeed. Obviously Freakin’...

We decided to check this place out because they had an Impossible burger on their menu, which is gluten free and vegan, so it's at least one thing I can eat.

My kids were really excited to try their burgers and fries. And my oldest was happy that they offered a gluten free bun option since she has Celiac along with myself.

They both loved their burgers and fries, and my youngest said her Caesar Salad had good flavor, but too much dressing. So they could've toned that down a bit.

For me, it was a bit trickier because they apparently ran out of Impossible burgers right before I ordered. So our server, Robert, had to come back to give me the bad news and I had to figure something else out.

Unfortunately, their menu isn't very gluten free & vegan friendly other than what I had originally ordered (which was the Impossible burger with no bun, cheese or Wahlburger sauce and a side of fries).

So I ended up just getting a side salad and added cherry tomatoes, avocado and sauteed mushrooms and kept the side of fries. Since the fries are in a separate fryer, they're completely gluten free.

Side note that the gluten free bun also isn't vegan because they use eggs in it.

There were no gluten free/gluten reduced beer options for me either. But they did have wine at least. So I got a glass of the Sauvignon Blanc, which was actually pretty decent.

Overall, my kids were really happy with their meals, which was the important part. But I wasn't really that thrilled with what I had for dinner.

The server did his best to accommodate me, which I greatly appreciated. But if a restaurant only has one vegetarian/vegan option for their burger, then they should do a better job of making sure they have that one...

A group of volleyball players and their parents came in tonight (1/14/23). I am one of those parents. The 17 & 18 year old girls all wanted to sit together as a team. Parents sat around the corner. The waitress who was supposed to have our girls' table made the mistake of allowing me to over hear her say, "Oh no. I'm not taking them. Someone else take that group of 10 HS girls."

The good news is, the gentleman server, whose name I did not get, stepped up and took great care of our girls. They had great service. The adults had great service, and I hope that waitress learned a lesson tonight because she missed out on a LOT of tip money. He earned it. And she blew it. I hope someone managerial follows up on this because the parents group were SO offended - because this waitress assumed that our girls wouldn't tip her appropriately.

Food was great. Service by that young man was great. And he was tipped accordingly.

Edit: I received this follow up: Response from the owner 45 minutes ago Hi David and Allyson, thank you for taking the time to share this review. Guest feedback is our best tool to improve! We will pass along your comments to the general manager. Could you let us know how we may contact you to learn more specific information on your visit?

I am unsure of how to give you contact info. I am happy to speak with someone but I am not posting my phone number. How can I give you the opportunity to ask what you needed to ask? And finally, I really do appreciate that you are asking to get the feedback. You could have chosen to ignore this. That speaks well of the person you are amd the type of business you are...