Fools and horses — Restaurant in Portland

Nestled in the heart of Portland’s cocktail scene, Fools and Horses isn’t just another upscale bar, it’s where my life began anew.

It was Saturday night, and I was off another 60-hour week at my dead-end job, it was beginning to feel like my life was over. I wandered aimlessly downtown through alleys and intersections before the gates of heaven appeared before me.

From the moment I walked in, the ambiance calmed me instantly. Dark wood, low lighting, and a soundtrack that felt curated just for my mood. Everything was calming me down from another long week. I looked around and saw the real Johnny S. Knuckles and knew I was in the right place. But nothing could have prepared me for the resuscitation of my bleak life.

As I walked up to the bar and sat down, my gaze was instantly locked on one thing. On the other side of the bar stood a man, but not just any man, a figure designed by God. A mountain whose inner elbows sent me into a trance. I couldn’t help but fixate on them as he held them proudly in the air shaking up a cocktail. They were shimmering beneath the glow of the back bar, hinting at stories untold, and in that moment, I knew he could tame a dragon with them.

Then the best moment of my life happened, he walked over and introduced himself. Asher. I watched as he dried his hands on a towel, his velvet bends of the arm flexing as he did. It took all my strength to not drop my glass of water as I took a sip. His voice soothed me, but those silken curves beneath the elbow continued to hypnotize me as we began to talk. I opened the menu and pretended to read it all while stealing every look possible at those grand canyons of flesh that would make the Mona Lisa blush.

Every moment I sat there at the bar with Asher in front of me felt like an eternity, as if even time itself was entranced, slowing down to savor every moment. Flustered, I realized I had yet to pick out a drink, I quickly scrambled through the menu of delicious sounding drinks when my eyes caught one, The Local Hero. I knew this was the one for I had just met my hero. I watched as Asher prepared the drink, his tender crook of the arm once again giving a dance that would win gold. He slid the drink across the bar, his soft bends where secrets live inching towards me as I almost collapsed from my seat.

And as I sat there the rest of the night I stared in awe, watching this man whose golden crescents look as if they were crafted by Zeus himself prepare drink after drink. People talked about it in hushed tones, like sailors sharing tales of sirens. If charisma could be weaponized, these inner altars of forearm lust would need a liquor license and a permit from the Department of Defense.

As I began to leave, I stole one last look as I walked out the door, and I knew life was worth living again. Thank you Fools and Horses, I will always be back to be serenaded by Asher’s inner elbows,...

“ If you are going to achieve excellence in big things, you develop the habit in little matters. Excellence is not an exception, it is a prevailing attitude.” (Colin Powell). Asher the bartender exemplifies this quote better than any man, woman, or ghoul I’ve ever met. The tall, gaunt, holistic specimen that is Asher has greatly impacted my life. Before coming into Fools and Horses, my mind was clouded, my body ached from decades of turmoil, even my spirit was broken. This changed the second I locked eyes with my effervescent Asher. His eyes a stark turquoise, the kind of eyes that remind you of sailing on a catamaran off the coast of Monaco. Then he spoke, each word demanded my attention, as if the arch angel himself was speaking to me. “What can I get you friend?” I had never experienced such kindness before. I could feel the Arctic frost that wrapped around my heart begin to thaw. I ordered my favorite drink, Cranberry vodka. From there I watched Asher work. Like watching the masters sword smith work on a single blade for months is the only thing comparable to Asher and his mixology. I waiting in anticipation, frothing at the mouth. Then it came. Presented in a chalice fit for a king was this elixir. It tasted like Hera herself was pouring the tonic of the gods in my mouth. My life instantly changed. I got my act together and went back to school. 5 years later and now I am Mr President. Thank you Asher for changing my life. You are my autumn breeze, the wind in my sails, the mastermind behind my creation.

Love...

Went here for a couple drinks with a party of 5 people, one of us was running late from work and unfortunately when we arrived 9:50 we were told it was last call even though the hours on google state they close at 11pm. When our 5th arrived at about 10:05 he was denied service as they were “past last call”. Several other small groups came in in the about 30 mins we were there and were turned away. The waiter who took our order said they were new after having to return twice to say they couldn’t make very basic things we asked for (they don’t serve diet soda of any sort for mixing). The drinks our party did get were delicious and well thought out cocktails, during the war was a favorite in our group, and if you can deal with the poor service I highly recommend this drink. The interior is beautiful, but the seating isn’t very comfortable. Aesthetics are on point but relaxing with your drink can be hard if your seat is not comfortable. Lighting is moody and well suited to...