Snarfburger — Restaurant in Denver

As the years have gone by, I’ve come more and more attuned to the allure of simplicity. Sure, colorful and custom-made packaging may technically look better, but at a certain point you question if the effort might not be better focused on the food. At Snarfburger, the onion rings are neatly wrapped in a wax paper bag indistinguishable from those at thousands of other restaurants. In short, it’s about as simple as it gets, and it gives me some initial hope that the focus is where it belongs.

It’s hot to the touch, and whatever their origin, these onion rings were clearly freshly made. They are breaded rather than battered, and at first glance seem handmade. Besides a few cracked rings, an unfortunately common hazard with the thin paper bags, they look pretty good.

Snarfburger’s onion rings are a lot like me at altitude: desperate for moisture. The standard onion ring flavors of salt and residual grease from cooking are welcome, but a little understated. It reminds me of the unearned hype surrounding both Denver and the surrounding state, full of head-in-the-clouds promises and a down-to-earth execution.

Most of the flavor rests in the breading, which tastes more artificial than I anticipated. It reminds me a lot of the onion rings that Arby’s once had, which were unceremoniously discontinued some years ago. The onions are thin and sweet, more of a subtly lurking undertone that does little to alleviate the dryness of the rings, much like the pitiful lack of naturally occurring water in Colorado.

Usually there’s enough variety between taste and texture to warrant an eloquent exploration on how each contribute to the overall dish, but for these onion rings, they’re almost one and the same. There are a few positives to the dry breading, most obviously in its extreme crunchiness. It’s not an uncommon tactic for cheaper onion rings to go all-in on the textural sensation, even if they’re sacrificing almost everything else to get there.

Even with the crunchy breading, the onions are too weak to make it worthwhile, as evidenced by both the cracked rings rustling around the bottom of the bag and the easy slippage. They seem almost undercooked, with the deepest interior of the breading soft and doughy, making the whole thing an unpleasant mishmash of sensations that isn’t really worth the trouble to eat.

Whenever I go to a new city, I do extensive research on the best or most interesting onion rings to sample, often relying heavily on local knowledge. I should have known this strategy would run into issues in Colorado, that state so enraptured with itself to the point of delusion.

Snarfburger’s onion rings were highly recommended, and I truly can’t understand why. They aren’t offensively bad by any means, and for $4.50, there’s more than enough present to make it a good value. That same simplicity in the packaging extends to every part of the onion rings, but none of it was executed well enough to be worth any sort of...

You’ve surely gnoshed, and perhaps you’ve even mucked, but count yourself a lucky diner if you know how to snarf.

Ever a pucker-tongued pursuant of the hot and sour, I found myself in the mile-high city on the doorstep of Snarfburger: The scrappy black sheep of the Snarf’s dynasty. The burger did me so right I occasioned the joint every month of the summer, and even forayed to their Boulder satellite to assess consistency. Each venture layered another harmony on Snarf’s siren call.

June 20th: Round 1 found me housing a nice fat round one with my collegiate crew. I went for the Spicy A1, a soulful two-story cottage with the namesake sauce, a wreath of grilled onions, and a lovely pickled pepper garden. Mmm! This little guy went down easy, high-fiving every taste bud on the way. Paired with a bespoke degustation—onion rings and a Coke—the Spicy A1 gave me my first lesson in snarfing. I’d be hard-pressed to find another unit this based for under 10 clams. It more than redeemed the 4 bucks I lost to the parochial chocky shake.

July 14th: Round 2 brought me to Boulder. I was hungry as a schoolboy after attending the local chapter of Jason Momoa Awareness Club. The remedy was The Hatch Burger. Pepper jack spilled from the patty stack like a bridal train from a wedding dress. Mmm! The signature Snarf’s giardiniera joined hatch green chilies and some slow-griddled bulb to form a fetching picture of pleasure and grease. This was easily my favorite pumpkin in the patch. And 24 seconds later it was a crumpled memory. That guppy swam laps through my head the whole way back to the 719.

August 11th. Round 3. I’m back in Capitol Hill and staring down the barrel of the Hot Island Burger. Primed by a crushed-iced cola, I let its full weight hit me. Mmm! A single patty shouldered the folds of crisp, corrugated lettuce and a handful of sweet cuke shekels. The Russian dressing and hot peppers were a wax seal on this juicy little love letter. Endorphins pumping, I struggled to contain the burger as it had its way with me. Writing this now amidst Autumn’s cold whispers, I’m planning a return. And I’ve heard the Triple B is out of this world.

On the whole, I’d liken this triptych to a bouquet of Colorado wildflowers. In bright little suits, the Western Wallflower, Indian paintbrush, and blue Columbine beguile the viewer into a new relationship with familiar colors. So, my friend, can the sandwich. You may have smiled at a yellow leaf or a big blue sky; you may have enjoyed a good burger. But have you snarfed? My best to you and...

I really don't leave reviews, but if I do leave a review or want to leave one I figured it should be positive or at the very least constructive. I can't stand reviews that are either over the top gushing over a place, I mean really, can a pizza really be the best pizza in the world? I think not, or really Petty and s*, like OMG we totally had to wait like 15 minutes to get our check, or the waiter was really busy and he didn't get our order exactly right, I mean please, first world problems, the dude was busy. Anyway I was just in there after an almost soul-crushingly stressful day at work, the kind of day where you just want to drink yourself to death after you get out. I knew I wasn't communicating well to the guy at the register, due to my brain swimming in after work goo, but he was very accommodating and I appreciate that greatly. Especially since I took a bunch of stuff off of the burger, had a special request etc etc. So much appreciated; threw them a couple of bucks tip. I would have given five stars, except I ordered onion rings which I was so looking forward to cuz they look like they were made in house, but the first one i bit into was an end piece and it was this mouthful of uncooked onion ring coating on the inside and the rest were overcooked. Which kind of ruined them for me, they totally sucked balls. First world problems though right? If that's the worst thing that happens to me today then I'm doing all right. Thanks again for the great service and great burger, but keep an eye on that onion ring...