P.F. Chang's — Restaurant in Schaumburg Township

Our hostess, Miranda, truly took us out of this world.

5/5 Galactic Credits: A Cosmic Dining Experience at PF Chang's

I'm still reeling from my recent visit to PF Chang's, where the boundaries of space and time were blissfully blurred. As I stepped through the doors, I felt a strange energy emanating from the hostess, as if she was channeling the essence of the cosmos itself. The aroma of sizzling noodles wafted through the air, transporting me to a realm beyond the confines of mortal taste buds.

Ambiance: 5/5 The décor was a masterclass in intergalactic fusion, with sleek, futuristic accents that seemed to defy the laws of physics. I half-expected to see a fleet of hoverbikes parked outside, ready to whisk me away to a distant planet. The soft glow of the lanterns created an otherworldly ambiance, making me feel as though I was dining on a celestial body.

Service: 5/5 Our server, a being of unparalleled efficiency and charm, seemed to possess the ability to anticipate our every need. She was a symphony of speed and accuracy, moving with the fluidity of a being from a realm where time itself was currency. I've never seen anyone juggle so many tables with such ease – it was as if she was a temporal entity, warping the fabric of space-time to ensure our meal was nothing short of perfection.

Food: 5/5 The dishes were a culinary odyssey, each bite a masterclass in flavor and texture. The Orange Chicken was a symphony of sweet and savory notes, a flavor profile so complex it defied the laws of culinary physics. I swear, I detected hints of quantum entanglement in the way the sauce danced on my taste buds. The noodles, cooked to a perfect al dente, seemed to have been infused with the essence of stardust itself.

Value: 5/5 In a universe where resources are scarce and the cost of intergalactic travel is prohibitively expensive, PF Chang's stands as a beacon of hope. The prices, while seemingly reasonable in our mortal realm, were actually a clever ruse to mask the true cost of the culinary experience. I suspect that, in reality, the meal was being subsidized by a secret society of foodies from a parallel dimension.

Conclusion: In a universe where the laws of physics are mere suggestions, PF Chang's stands as a shining example of culinary excellence. If you ever find yourself in a nearby galaxy, do not hesitate to make the journey – your taste buds will thank you. Just be sure to pack your appetite, as the portions are generous enough to feed a small army of...

In a nutshell....I am not happy I got charged $50 for a plate of garbage food. I am actually shocked at how bad my meal was. Ordered Chang's Spicy Chicken, and some dumplings. The dumplings were mediocre at best. Visually, they were okay, but the wrapper was tough and chewy. The fried rice was was pathetic. It was dry, bland, and visually quite unappealing. The chicken was absolutely abhorrent. Instead of being in nice 3/4 to 1 inch cubes, they were like tiny little pellets. It did not taste fresh, either. The chicken tasted old, dry, and reheated to smithereens. There was no discernible breading. Just tiny scraps of dry, bland chicken that seemed like it was twice reheated. Almost as if they just carelessly threw the scraps from the bottom of a cafeteria steam tray that had been sitting in there all day and night. I needed to dip the chicken into the dumpling sauce to get any kind of real flavor going.

The portions were also a complete joke. Around 6 bites of fried rice despite it being a $5 upcharge from plain rice. And just 6 pot stickers for $16. My usual chinese restaurants around the Schaumburg area only charge $6 for the same amount. The chicken cost $30 with the fried rice upcharge, and received an amount that didn't even fill up the other half of the to-go container. For considerably less money, every other chinese restaurant I've ordered from will cram an entire large sized to-go box full of chicken, and another big to-go tray full of fried rice. $30 for a single to-go tray that's only 1/4 full on one side with rice, and 1/3 full on the other with chicken is highway robbery.

I am no stranger to chinese takeout, and this is the first time in many years that I have received something so bad that it actually made me upset. Inexcusably poor quality. Do you really need to be told not to send customers scraps of chicken and fried rice that taste like they've been sitting under a heating lamp for 12 hours...?

It is readily apparent that absolutely zero care was put into preparing my order. I am convinced they just sent me the dregs from the food prepared for dine-in service. There's an old saying in the business world....don't screw...

The restaurant was strangely very empty throughout dinner time, on the weekend. Once we received our food, it was obvious why.

Disappointing dining experience, and not what PF Chang’s used to be. It used to be great.

The menu explicitly says entrees are a serving for 2. They’re not, ours were small, even for 1. Pictured is the Mongolian beef as it was set down, which was not enough for 2 servings. We still each ordered one entree.

We got a couple peach boba drinks, which were a sickeningly sweet syrup, served with thin straws. What’s the point of a boba drink where you cannot “suck up” any bobas to eat them, due to using wrong straws.

The soup came out barely warm, which worried me from a food safety perspective, as soup needs to be kept hot. The server took it back and instead of a fresh bowl of soup, they microwaved the bowl and returned it to me.

The shrimp appetizer came out room temperature, odd for a fried food, and not a busy restaurant at all. The crab Rangoon wasn’t enjoyed, it had a flavor like dead seaweed in cream cheese, and the overly sweet sauce had a strawberry flavor, and no balance with sour.

The Singapore noodles were so heavily salty they burned my mouth and were not edible. The noodles were not cooked all the way, hard and firmer than al-dente. Since it was inedible, I told server, who said “sometimes it’s different cooks…” Basically admitting they don’t know how to cook these standardized recipes they make every day and should be able to cook.

The fried rice was edible, but not good, and had clumps of pure white rice that hasn’t been broken up or fried.

The sushi was mushy and mediocre.

At the end, the bill was not delivered in a black fold you’d see at most restaurants. I was left a $200 bill by itself on the table, no pen, and the server had disappeared for a while. I went searching for a pen, up to the front hostess stand. No host was there. So I had to go behind the stand and found a pencil, just to sign my bill and tip.

Zero leftovers were taken, obviously, and we were all hungry by the time we...