Terrane Italian Kitchen & Bar — Restaurant in Portland

Terrane Italian Kitchen & Bar The restaurant invites you to “embark on a gastronomic adventure at Terrane. The Porter's crown jewel of dining, open for delectable breakfasts and sumptuous dinners.” What a load of nonsense. Well, it is an adventure for sure but not a good one. Crown Jewel… goodness me. Yes, if your idea of a jewel is a nugget of coal inset in a crown made with leftover fencing wire. My husband and I strolled into this culinary wonderland because the décor seemed promising. We should have known something was amiss when we saw the abundance of empty tables. We were headed to a show at the Keller, so we figured a quick drink and bite would be perfect. The “best” margarita was anything but (unless you enjoy a glass of ice with a bag of salt). The beer was decent, which is quite a feat, considering it's hard to ruin a beer. We decided to test the waters with some starters, starting with the Pa Amb Tomaquet & Manchego, which promised Tomato, Oregano, Olive Oil on Toasted Baguette, and the Avocado Tartare, boasting Avocado, Jalapeno, Parsley, Red Onion, Lemon, Olive Oil, Mustard, Worcestershire Sauce with Toasted Baguette. These starters are not exactly rocket science to make, so the fact that they took an eternity to arrive was a bit perplexing. There were only 2 other people in the restaurant, and they were already digging into their food. (In hindsight, I now understand their grim expressions of despair). The servers seemed lost and the area that must have once been a wood-burning oven (now a gathering place for the whispering confused). Our server kept popping up to check on our drinks, sometimes from the right, sometimes appearing from behind a pillar, always with an air of uncertainty. When our starters finally graced our table, some 30 minutes later, we were greeted with “toasted baguette” that were more like doorstoppers. These massive slices of bread required the jaw flexibility of a snake to tackle. The Pa Amb Tomaquet & Manchego featured some mushy tomato and 4 sad triangles of Manchego (probably from Trader Joe's) haphazardly placed alongside the oversized baguette chunks. The Avocado Tartare was an absolute disaster. It lacked jalapeno, parsley, red onion, or any of the promised ingredients. Instead, it was a mound of mashed avocado with an inexplicable mountain of capers strewn around. What a delightful combination. I couldn't help but wonder if the chef had taken an impromptu walkout, leaving the kitchen staff to ponder life's great mysteries like, “What is a jalapeno?” “Aren't they green?” “These things in the jar are green, let’s just throw them on and call it a day.” This culinary catastrophe set us back $74.00, and I simply can't find the words to express how thoroughly unimpressed I am with this...

Firstly, the reservation process uses a website called TOCK. There's no way to actually cancel or modify a reservation, even though you take a credit card and claim to charge a $25.00 PER PERSON cancellation or no show fee.

Secondly, this restaurant needs to close until it can get its act together. There were only two people working that we could see, and everything took an inordinate amount of time. That includes the time to be seated, even though we arrived at 5:30 and there were only 3 tables occupied. It took 45 minutes to get our drinks. It took an hour and ten minutes to get our food. The poor server was on his own, and he told us it was his third day. All the other tables were the same. There wasn't any salt and pepper in the shakers, the empty plates from the appetizers never got picked up.

The location of this restaurant is great, as we were going to a Broadway Show at the Keller Auditorium that is only a block away. This restaurant has been closed for years, despite this ideal location, so when it opened we gave it a shot. (Unfortunately we didn't check Google Reviews first.) Thankfully, the two of the four of us who were going to the show got our food in time to make the show, but one only got his food as we were leaving, 20 minutes after the other three of us. The food was very average. I'm not sure who's fault the staffing was, but it was a miserable experience that stressed us out that we almost didn't get fed despite arriving at 5:30 pm, and needing to leave at 7:00 pm, in a mostly...

We had the absolute worst service. Like another person said I believe our server was trying to purposely give us bad service. First off he didn’t say hello, he just started off with “you guys know we charge 20% for parties over 6..” looked at our entire group, we said ok just put it in on one card. We all attempted to order, multiple people ordered mashed potatoes, our server came back “the kitchen doesn’t have enough mashed potatoes for 3 orders, so 3 people switch…” I asked ok is there something else you can offer like an appetizer or something since you don’t have what we want, he said no we don’t have enough so. He was rude and never apologized for the inconvenience. 3 people switched, he came back, ok no we don’t have enough of the roasted potatoes, now more people have to switch. Ok. We asked what else we can even get since our dishes already came with asparagus. No one wants double asparagus. Our orders came out most ordered medium. Our steaks were gray, absolutely no color. All our sides were wrong, came out with fries. He forgot about someone’s pasta order. We asked for it to be canceled at this point. Never refilled/retook drinks or asked if we wanted dessert. Had the audacity to leave the pasta dish on the tab. We had to ask to remove it multiple times. Service was absolutely horrible. Food was terrible my burger was literally...