Gilden im Zims “Heimat kölscher Helden” — Restaurant in Cologne

It has, I realise, been something of a week of cliché for anyone who’s been masochistic enough to read my recent reviews. A dreary parade of the obvious, the tried and tested, the meat-and-potatoes (and sauerkraut) of travel food writing. And I’m not about to let you off the hook just yet, because this sorry trajectory continued, unrepentant, with a visit to Cologne. Germany.

Now, I adore the Germans. They’re essentially the British, but with better punctuality, better trains, and worse weather. Like us, they love football, beer, and meat, although they at least have the decency to admit it. On this trip, I managed to tick all three. There was a football stadium (tick), many, many beers (double tick), and enough meat to choke a Bavarian stag party.

And the scene for this gastronomic box-ticking? Gilden Im Zims. A grand old beer hall on the main square of Cologne. The sort of place that smacks you round the chops with its authenticity, gives you a bear hug of Gemütlichkeit, and plonks a litre of something cold, amber, and foaming in front of you before you’ve even taken off your bobble hat.

Though, being Cologne, these weren’t litres but the local Kölsch, which arrives in slim, delicate 0.2L glasses — a little frilly, yes, but the genius of it is they just keep bloody coming. Like a German efficiency algorithm had been let loose on the beer taps. Before you even notice the glass is empty, another appears in its place. It’s like beer Tetris.

And what did I eat? Well, if you think I went to a traditional Cologne beer house and didn’t order the Schweinshaxe (that’s pork knuckle to the English), you’ve clearly mistaken me for someone who owns a vegan cookbook. It arrived like Excalibur — a monstrous hunk of pig with a knife jammed through the top, daring you to pull it out and declare yourself King of the Pork People.

And the thing was magnificent. The crackling shattered like sugar glass, the meat inside soft, fatty, and gloriously porcine, all slicked in a deep, savoury gravy that made me want to take off my shirt and rub it all over myself. Not that anyone would have blinked in a place like this. Inside, it straddles the line between the modern and the medieval with unnerving precision — all dark woods, gleaming brass, and the gentle hum of people slowly but inevitably slipping into a beer coma.

Service? Spot on. Friendly without the forced jollity you get in some places, fast without being aggressive. They know their beer, they know their pig, they know their people.

So if you find yourself in Cologne, and you want football, beer, meat, and an evening where you won’t have to make a single decision (apart from whether to undo your belt before or after dessert), Gilden Im Zims...

Yesterday, 31st of Jan, had a profoundly disappointing experience there. Regrettably, I encountered an extremely rude male waiter who not only spilled a beer on me but also treated me with utter disdain during the incident. His unprofessional behavior left me feeling frustrated and disrespected. The moment the waiter accidentally spilled the beer on me, instead of showing genuine remorse or offering a sincere apology, he proceeded to yell at me. His insensitivity only intensified my frustration and perplexity. I understand that accidents happen, but the lack of proper customer service was simply unacceptable. I was left with wet pants and a soaked phone due to the incident, and rather than assisting me in cleaning up or providing any form of remedy or compensation, the waiter had the audacity to raise his voice and blame me for the mishap. This behavior not only demonstrated a complete disregard for basic customer care but also showcased an irresponsible and unprofessional approach to his role. Every customer deserves to be treated with respect and empathy, especially in situations where accidents occur. Unfortunately, this waiter failed miserably in adhering to these essential principles of customer service. The lack of apology, assistance, and his overall rude demeanor not only ruined my dining experience but also left me disappointed in the establishment as a whole. Based on this unfortunate incident and the overall negative encounter with the waiter, I cannot recommend this place to others. It is essential for businesses like this to prioritize customer satisfaction and deliver a service that reflects respect and professionalism. Regrettably, my experience at there failed to meet these fundamental expectations. I sincerely hope that this place takes this review as an opportunity to train their staff and establish protocols for handling accidental spills and customer complaints. I believe it is crucial for any establishment to maintain a high standard of service that ensures guests feel valued and respected, regardless of any mishaps...

Came in yesterday to try an appel strudel. The waiter was downright aggressive when we asked for a coffee and said there was none, even thought the menu had it. We then asked for just the strudel. He appears a couple minutes later with a coffee, to which we then asked for a cappuccino for my wife. He actually said cappuccino is not even coffee with the worse attitude I've ever seen in a waiter. He then brought it and almost dropped the cup in front of us. The strudel was far beyond amazing! So the visit was not absolutely terrible because of it. We then asked for the check. Tried to pay with card but he messed up the terminal, then brought another one and pulled my card from my hand, inserted it and it didn't work. I told him it was a contactless card and with the same attitude he had since the beginning, told me it wasn't and that it didn't work. Ended up paying with cash and he "kept" 80 cents. Perhaps for the trouble of serving us, I assume. Worst service I have had abroad. My wife and I were joking that people that complain about service elsewhere has not met this person. This was on May 27th, at noon and we were sitting in the tables left of the main entrance, beside the bar with the register, in case it matters. And just to clarify, he was being super nice with everyone else. Joking, having small talk with (I assume) the regulars and the other staff members. It might have been that I dared to try to speak some broken German when we arrived, or that we had the nerve to order what we like to drink and eat, and not what he deems worthy at that establishment.

Will definitely never come back. It's a shame because the food looked amazing and all the other patrons seemed to be having an amazing time. It seems they're celebrating 100 years in bussiness. If they want to celebrate another 10, this is something...