As I pondered the vast expanse of a menu at this unassuming diner-on-the-freeway, I struggled to decide between a classic beef burger or a less-than-traditional salmon one. My gaze flowed over the endless pages like the ever-present mists from the nearby Pacific ocean. It was 25 minutes 'til closing, but the waitress patiently watched as I began to sweat from indecisiveness. Then I saw it. A terrifying menu option that threatened to unmake me: the heart attack burger. The anxiety had reached a fever pitch as I reckoned with the abject terror of this possibility, the bun of a contemporary hamburger forcibly replaced by not one but TWO grilled cheese sandwiches. My bones began to vibrate in fear, and just as I thought my time had come to an end, a faint voice called out to me in the back of my mind!

It was the salmon. The last shimmer of sanity in my war-torn mind beckoned me back to the comfort of the mundane through my passion for fresh anadromous fish. I had my excuse to remain grounded in familiar reality and leave this flavorful hellscape behind.

But my waitress still gazed upon me with confidence, as if she knew something I didn't. Her next words shattered any hope I had of leaving your place unchanged, for they would annihilate my tether to the world I one knew forever:

"I could have then put the salmon on the heart attack, if you like"

My fate was sealed.

I spoke the forbidden tongue, and the terrible truth began to take shape in the fiery forge of the kitchen. I waited outside on the cold to have my peaceful perception of the world irrevocably destroyed. And when the fateful food finally arrived at my table, my mouth was uncontrollably agape. I stared in horror at the eldritch abomination that sat before me. I tried to shut it out, but my wide-open mouth did not obey. This dastardly dish was being my comprehension, I was the foulest fool the world have ever seen for creating it. I chose this fate, or at least I feel myself that. What little memory I hold of my prior life sometimes whispers to me in agony, that I didn't want this. But I now know the truth.

■□■Hail the Heart Attack Salmon Burger■□■

Pretty tasty though, not gonna lie. 5 stars